Q: What did one eye say to the other eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.

“Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “I don’t think they’d fit me!”

I’m terrified of elevators, I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it started growing on me.

My recliner and I go way back.

“I’ll call you later” “Don’t call me later. Call me dad.”

“Did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut”

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

I was going to tell you a pizza joke but it's way too cheesy.

Your glass of juice is empty. Do you want another one? Why would I want two empty glasses?

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t.

The only thing that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

My dad used to always say "the sky's the limit" which is probably why he got fired as an astronaut from NASA.

Why can’t blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dogs!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

Person: I’ll call you later. Me: Please, just call me Justin.

What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.

I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.

Why do peanuts say good things? They’re complimentary.